WHEN IN NOME...

By E.G. Brady

Having received so much good advice about how gringos should behave to get along better with the locals in Mexico, I thought it might be helpful of me to offer any Mazatlecan tourists heading north this summer to visit the USA and/or Canada the current Top 5 Pointers for avoiding unpleasant situations which their unfamiliarity with strange Norteamericano ways might get them into. 1. Punctuality. Harsh as it sounds, if someone up there says to you, “Let’s meet at 8 o’clock” that does not mean, “Let’s start getting ready to leave our houses around 8 and meet if/and whenever we both get there.” It probably means “I’ll be there at 8 sharp and if you’re more than a couple of minutes late you’re in trouble.” Also, “tomorrow” usually means “the day immediately following today.” 2. Salutations. If you are greeting a female you do not already know intimately, it is rarely a good idea to pucker up your lips and lunge for her face, since up north kissing may be considered criminal encroachment or maybe attempted foreplay. A handshake is a safer bet, and in many cases a wave, nod or smile is more appropriate. Also, gringo men don’t tend to hug each other much, even on birthdays and holidays. It is generally advisable to be friendly and polite, but far more standoffish and distant than is the norm south of the border. If someone proffers you a hand, a cheek or a hug, by all means go for it, but when in doubt play it cool. 3. Lines. Unnatural as it may sound, Norteamericanos are sticklers for the rule “First come, first served,” and a

person’s place in line is a sacred thing that most will defend as a dog would its territory: by barking loudly. If you breeze past a long queue of shoppers and say to the cashier “I’ll take a pack of Marlboro’s and a lottery ticket,” it is unlikely that he/she will stop ringing up purchases to attend to your needs. Instead, you will probably learn from your fellow shoppers a whole bunch of words and phrases not to be found in the dictionary. Same goes for trying to squeeze in ahead of someone approaching an entrance. Resist that urge to fill that empty space up front, don’t even think about it, just go directly to the end of the line and wait your turn. And if anyone tries to cut in front of you, give ‘em hell. 4.Smoking. Smoking anything, even duty free cigarettes, is pretty much illegal everywhere, even in bars, even in your home if a neighbor or passing postman might catch a breath of carcinogens. You will probably have to give up that after dinner Havana cigar for the duration of your stay. When the sign says No Smoking, it means “absolutely no smoking tolerated and if you insist you could end up in jail (where smoking is also not permitted).” A vacation in Gringolandia is an ideal time to quit smoking, especially at those prices. 5. Mordidas. If, in spite of these pointers, you find yourself arrested for, say, jaywalking, littering, open container, leaning into the field of play to catch a foul ball, sexual harassment, line crashing, or spreading second hand smoke, do not, under any circumstances, attempt to bribe a police officer.

 

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