When I first arrived in Mazatlán, I stayed at a hotel which was not equipped with a kitchenette nor blessed with room service. Of course, while on a short vacation in a foreign country it is easy to say the heck with green vegetables, just squeeze a little lime juice on the shrimp to prevent scurvy and call it good enough. Still, back in the USA I always remained in strict compliance with USFDA-RDA regulations stipulating that all Americans, for their own good and the good of the economy, eat at least five different vegetables a day and a like number of fresh fruits. Olives and maraschino cherries do not count. So how does an FDA-abiding American in Mexico manage to cheaply and conveniently choke down enough rabbit food to satisfy the inspectors? Two Spanish words: “salsa” and “licuado”. For those of you who just fell off the dogsled, by “salsa” I mean a bowl of finely chopped tomato, onion, chili and cilantro. Almost any Mazatlán restaurant has buckets full of fresh salsa on hand, and will be only too happy to unload some on you at no extra charge. Put a spoonful or two on the real food you are eating, be it a fried egg or a T-bone, and voila! You have done your vegetable duty for the day. A “licuado” (literally “liquified”) is basically a fruit milkshake. It makes for a great brunch if you had a rough night, goes well with aspirin, and does not involve strenuous activity such as peeling and chewing. If you’re really on a roll, throw in a shot or two of rum and party on. Personally, I like the papaya, pineapple, passion fruit and pomegranate combination, but it’s a free country, please partake of whatever appears palatable to

you. Yes, astute reader, you are correct. The aforementioned delicacies contain not five, but only four different kinds of fruits or vegetables. Not to worry. There is a loophole and it is spelled “ketchup.” Or sometimes “catsup.” Or, as they say down here, “caught soup.” Anyhow, this ambiguous, controversial condiment not only makes even re-heated french fries taste good, it will put your herbivorous intake over the top in two different ways at the same time. Alimentation lawyers are no doubt familiar with the various underlying issues concerning ketchup and its ingredients, but for those of you with better things to concern yourselves with, allow me to digress. It seems that some of the more vociferous elements of M-PIP (Manifesto for the Prevention of Inhumanity to Plants) have declared that the tomato is not actually a vegetable, but is in fact technically a fruit that just happens to taste a lot like a vegetable, thus qualifying for affirmative action opportunities. On the other hand, the Reagan administration officially declared ketchup to be a vegetable, thus reducing school lunch expenditures, freeing up more funds for tax cuts to campaign contributors. Until the Supreme Court issues a final ruling, ketchup can be “double deducted”, Enron-style, from both the fruit and vegetable columns of USFDA-RDA nutritional declaration form # 8675309 JENNY. Just throw a little ketchup in your salsa, and call it a vegetable. Add a shot of catsup to your licuado, and call it a fruit. Best of all, most restaurants don’t even charge for it, thus freeing up more funds for campaign contributions and tequila poppers.