I have traveled and lived in some of the more exotic regions of the world, and seen the Incan ruins of Peru, the snows of Kilamanjaro and the cornfields of Iowa. Mazatlan is undoubtedly the most fun city I've seen this side of Des Moines, but, like all international playgrounds, there is a danger lurking everywhere and the astute traveler will take care to avoid situations which can lead to disaster, or worse. I have taken the liberty of compiling a short list of suggestions for tranquil touring.

1. Do not get mixed up in anything illegal. Of course, many of these suggestions are of the "do as I say, not as I do" variety, and rule number one is a good example. Still, how was I supposed to acquire all this valuable information except by making mistakes and learning from them? Why, just the other year, my wife, brat and I were on our weekly shopping binge at the local La Ley when El Peque threw a tube of chapstick on the floor. My wife distractedly put it in her pocket, no doubt planning to produce it at the checkout stand and pay for it along with the half ton of groceries already in the cart. Well, as we were leaving, a security guard stopped us and asked politely but firmly if we had perhaps forgotten to pay for something. Which brings us to point number two.

2. Never become indignant, especially when dealing with personages of authority. Well, like I say, live and learn. In my defense, I would like to point out that shopping always puts me in a foul mood. At any rate, my reply to the security guard was of a somewhat surly tone as I proffered the sales receipt and the measly change left over from a five hundred peso bill. Then I noticed that my wife was blushing sheepishly and removing the tube of lip goo from her pocket, and my tone of voice changed from argumentative to groveling in a very short space of time. Fortunately, the store management was sympathetic and decided to let us go free, after we paid for the item in question.

3. Try to be aware of local practices or customs. Try to be alert to what is going on around you. Get a clue. When I was eight, we moved to South America, where I was fortunate enough to attend a good, strict, traditional British school. We wore wool shorts, ties and blazers, we were whipped when we misbehaved, and among the subjects we studied were Latin, Divinity and Cricket. My first day of class, I absentmindedly scratched and doodled all over the top of my desktop with my pen. At the end of the day I was informed that, being an ignorant little Yankee savage, I would not be caned for vandalism this time. Instead, with the help of the custodian, I stayed after school for several hours, sanding and varnishing the desk. Some ten years later, while in Africa, I found myself once

again being given the "we forgive you this one time for your American ignorance" speech. In this case, I was seated in the front row of a movie theater, engrossed in a book while awaiting the feature, when the national anthem was played. I did not notice that everyone else was standing at respectful attention while I treasonously continued to sit. The policemen made a good public show of strong arming me and hauling my terrified butt out of there, lest anyone in the audience might think that foreigners could misbehave with impunity. Once outside the theater, they let me off with a wave and a warning, and I avoided a trip to jail. One of my schoolmates there narrowly avoided a trip to the morgue, which his stupidity nearly made possible. It seems that the locals, in order to curtail stealing and court costs simultaneously, would simply stomp thieves to a pulp right at the scene of the crime. Well, my friend, whose name is not Einstein, thought it would be a great idea to shoplift a bottle of Johnny Walker Red from the corner store. I mean, as long as you're risking your life to steal something, why not go the whole hog and swipe the more expensive Johnny Walker Black? Anyhow, he naturally bungled the operation and it was only due to the shop owner's bravery that his father was able to send him off to military school in one piece. The folly of youth remains eternal, and only last spring I noticed some student binge drinkers being chased out of the kitchen of a restaurant/bar in the Zona Dorada. It seems they had spent all their money on liquor and felt that this entitled them to help their hungry selves to the half eaten left overs to be found on plates in the sink. One dude staggered right into traffic clutching a chewed up T bone and was nearly run over by a bus. The scary thing is, with the right pedigree and spin doctors, he might someday be President of the United States.

4. Learn at least some words and phrases of the local language. Greece is a fascinating and beautiful place, but its language goes back to pre- Roman times, and its alphabet is alien to the Western traveler. Even street signs are undecipherable. I would have loved to spend more time there, but after a couple of days being unable to find the men's room or anything else I was looking for, I fled the country to Spain. If I only had studied Greek instead of Latin, I might have been able to find the Acropolis, the museums, the ferries to the islands, and a glass of wine not flavored with pine sap. Actually, Mazatlan is a pretty forgiving place for foreigners. I wouldn't be surprised if the powers-that-be here try to make sure that worst thing that can happen to well-behaved tourists on vacation is that someone comes up and tries to sell them a blanket they don't want. If an astute traveler follows the aforementioned rules of getting along in foreign countries, he or she should make out all right.